


secret I never wanted to keep

by Mekina



Category: CW Network RPF
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt Jensen Ackles, M/M, Mistaken Identity, Rape Aftermath, Rape Fantasy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-18
Updated: 2013-10-18
Packaged: 2017-12-29 19:39:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1009259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mekina/pseuds/Mekina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared promises to fulfill Jensen's fantasy, so when someone gets in, Jensen thinks it was Jared keeping his promise. Jared doesn't know if he should tell him the truth or let him stay happy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	secret I never wanted to keep

"C'mon. You've gotta have at least one fantasy." Jared brushes a kiss onto Jensen's freckled cheek. "Everyone has one, that ultimate thing you think about again and again when you're getting yourself off. Even if it's totally impossible. Just tell me."

Jensen's cheeks go a little pink. "W-well...okay. You caught me." He grins at Jared. "I have one. And it's not impossible."

"Yeah?" Jared smiles. He wants to make it happen, whatever it is. He wants to give Jensen that. "What do you fantasize about?"

"It's...I like the idea of..." Jensen blows out a breath. "Someone forcing me." He hurries on quickly, "Not actually, you know, unwanted! I'd totally want it. I just, like if you surprised me, and made it seem like I had no choice and you held me down, or tied me up, and I'd play along and say no, and you'd ignore it..." Biting his lip, he snuggles closer to Jared. "God, you probably think I'm a freak now."

"No, not at all." Jared's mind has gone to some weird places when he's jacking off, not like he has a right to say anything. "I'll make it happen for you, Jen. I'll surprise you someday."

Jensen smiles so brightly Jared is almost surprised he's not blinded from the force of it.

*

Jared rakes his fingers through his hair as he unlocks the front door. He's pretty tired, and he just can't wait to crawl into bed, wrap himself around Jensen, and fall asleep.

The house is quiet, all the lights off. Jensen had to be in bed already. Jared is smiling slightly as he heads towards the bedroom.

He jerks backwards in shock, back hitting the doorframe, when he switches on the light. Jensen is...oh god, _Jensen._ His boyfriend is naked and apparently unconcious, blindfolded with his wrists tied to the headboard above his head. The debauched sprawl of Jensen's body, familiar to Jared after all these years, and the smear of dried come on Jensen's skin makes it seem like...like..

Oh god. Oh god. Jared feels sick, everything spinning around him, edges of his vision blurring as he rushes to the bed. He goes straight to work on the ropes binding Jensen's wrists, wincing at the burn where Jensen struggled against the bondage.

It almost seems silly to focus on that small instance of damage compared to the horror of the overall situation.

Jensen stirs when Jared gets his wrists free and gently lowers his arms down to his sides. He pulls the blindfold off, and Jensen's eyes open, staring up at him.

Jared expected...well, he's not sure what he expected. Terror. Anger. Fear. Not what he sees, his boyfriend's beautiful eyes shining and his lips curving into a smile.

"Jay," he breathes, pushing himself onto his elbows. "Fuck, baby, that was amazing. Everything I always wanted."

Jared is pretty sure his brain grinds to a halt in confusion. What? 

"I'm kinda glad I had a few drinks before you surprised me," Jensen confides. "It made it more exciting. Just woke up to you putting the blindfold on."

Oh _god._ Jared is worried for a second he's going to be sick. Someone...someone got in and hurt Jensen, and Jensen thinks it was just Jared surprising him and fulfilling his fantasy like he promised a while back. 

Jensen's gotta know. He has to. But... Something stays Jared's tongue before he can speak. Something about the way Jensen looks, so happy, practically glowing with it. Telling him would dissolve all that happiness away, replace it with something more akin to devastation.

Jared hesitates, and that's his downfall. Jensen is reaching for him a second later, pulling him half onto the bed and kissing him deeply. "Jared, god, I fucking love you. Perfect. So perfect."

He allows Jensen to drag him all the way onto the bed, lets him cuddle up to him, strokes his back mindlessly. Even after Jensen falls into a deep, satisfied sleep, Jared is left staring blankly over his boyfriend's shoulder at the wall.

*

When he wakes up the next morning, Jensen is already gone out of the bed. Jared panics, sits up. His eyes fall on the ropes still attached to the headboard and his stomach lurches.

The smell of coffee greets him when he enters the kitchen. Jensen turns and kisses him good morning.

Jensen is wearing an ancient pair of Jared's sweatpants, ratty, the elastic in the waistband long since gone. He has to hold them up with one hand when he moves to stop them from falling straight down.

Jensen only wears those when he's hurt or sick.

"Did you...?" Jared swallows, throat suddenly dry. He can't finish the sentence. Did Jensen realize? Does he know?

Jensen misunderstands the question. He comes over to the table, sets a mug of coffee down and gently pushes Jared into a chair. "It was great. Perfect. I'm sore, but I loved it. You were rough and tender at the same time." He laughs. "Forgive me if I don't sit down much today. The way you fucked me, I'm surprised I can still walk."

Jared only barely manages not to throw up. He can't...he can't do this. He can't let Jensen think that he..that he... Okay, yes, he did promise not so long ago to surprise Jensen, but it would've been consensual...and he never would've done it if Jensen was drunk and half asleep, he would've made sure Jensen was able to actually be aware of what was happening.

He knows part of the fantasy involved Jensen saying no and being ignored, but Jared knows when his boyfriend is roleplaying a sexy game and sincere. He would've known the moment it got to be too much for Jensen...wouldn't he?

His mind is a confusing whirl of thoughts, half of him wondering if Jensen would've tried to get him to stop for real and if he would've realized, and half trying to work up the courage to tell Jensen the truth. He's gotta know. He has to.

"I'm going to make you a huge breakfast." Jensen is all smiles as he gets out the eggs and bacon. "My thanks to you for last night."

Jared smiles weakly until Jensen's back is turned, then he lets his head drop into his hands. What is he going to do? Is he doing the right thing by keeping quiet?

Is he...is he protecting Jensen from the emotional devastation and trauma that's sure to follow the truth? Is he trying to keep Jensen safe and happy?

Or is some part of Jared just trying to avoid having to deal with a traumatized Jensen?

Jared can't stand the thought, it makes him feel like scum to even entertain the thought that that might be it, makes him want to scrub himself with boiling water. But...he doesn't know, really, maybe his subconcious...

Jared shudders and tries to push away that train of thought. He just wants Jensen to be okay. He _always_ wants to protect Jensen and keep him safe.

*

It's not his right to keep it from Jensen, Jared decides that night. It's Jensen's body and Jensen's life, and Jared has no right to keep such a thing from him. He has to tell him.

Jared keeps putting it off, and putting it off, and at last it's late and they're about to get into bed. Jared's sitting on the edge of his bed in his boxers, watching Jensen undress.

He did see Jensen naked immediately after he came in the previous day, it's true, but he was too freaked out to actually take a good long look. Now, Jensen glances over his shoulder and sees Jared staring. Obviously mistaking it for lust, he grins and winks cheesily at Jared.

"If you wanted a striptease, you shoulda paid me, Jay." He wiggles his ass as he takes off his jeans, then slides his underwear off considerably slower. "Mm, yeah, you wanna see, don't you?" Jared doesn't have long to wonder what Jensen thinks he wants to see, because Jensen turns, completely naked.

There are bruises on Jensen's pale skin, where he was held down and moved around roughly. Jared stares in horror, and Jensen's expression slips from confident to unsure. "Jared...?"

"I...I didn't..." That wasn't me, he wants to say, but can't bring himself to. Fuck, he can't. He can't do it. He knows he should, knows he has no right to keep this secret, but he just can't bring himself to hurt Jensen like that. Fuck, Jensen's face would crumple, maybe he'd cry, maybe he'd just shut down.

Jared doesn't want to do that to him.

"You said you were sore. How bad is it?" Jared reaches out as Jensen moves to stand by the bed, hoping Jensen doesn't notice the way his hands shake before he touches his boyfriend's hips.

"Put it this way, I don't think you'll be fucking me for a few days. Doesn't mean we can't do everything else." Jensen makes as if to slide onto Jared's lap.

He jolts away. Jensen looks baffled as he watches Jared scramble onto the bed, backing far away from Jensen. 

"I'm not...I'm not in the mood," he says quickly, frantically trying to think up an excuse. "I just don't feel like it."

"But you were looking at me like you," Jensen starts and then sighs, shaking his head. "Okay. Whatever you say." He vanishes into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

Jared gets under the covers on the far edge of the bed and hopes Jensen doesn't try to start anything again. He doesn't think he could bear to touch Jensen like that, not while he's still hurting and bruised all over from...

Shuddering, he closes his eyes and tries to sleep.

*

Jensen tries a few times over the next several days to initiate sex. Jares shys away and comes up with whatever excuse he can each time. He knows Jensen is hurt and confused, that to him it's like Jared fulfilled his greatest fantasy and then suddenly stopped being attracted to him.

Jensen corners him the day after he slipped into the shower with Jared and Jared almost broke his neck trying to rush out. He catches him while Jared is rummaging around in the fridge, waiting until he's closed it to back him up against it.

Jensen stares at him steadily. "Why have you been acting so weird, Jay?"

"Weird? I haven't..."

"You have. Ever since that night when you..." Jensen steps back as sharply as if he'd been punched, face falling. Jared freezes, terrified that Jensen _knows._ "It did freak you out, didn't it? You seemed so into it, but it seriously freaked you out," he says sadly. "I never should have told you. It freaked out everyone else I've been with, even though they always swore before I told them that it was okay, that whatever my fantasy was, they wouldn't judge me. I should have known, I..." He starts backing out of the kitchen, shaking his head. "I thought this was different, but..."

"Jensen!" Jared hurries after him, but Jensen rushes out the front door, barefoot.

Jared runs after him, barely remembering to close and lock the door after himself. Jensen can't have gotten far, he isn't thinking clearly enough to have taken the car.

Jensen's just around the corner, huddled in a bus shelter. Jared sits next to him on the tiny bench and puts a hand on his knee. "Jensen, I swear, your kink doesn't freak me out. That's not...it doesn't bother me."

Jensen looks warily at him. "Then what is it? And don't tell me you haven't been acting weird. You haven't touched me since that night."

Oh god. Here it is. Jensen knows something is wrong, and Jared isn't able to think up an excuse to get out of this. He has to tell him. The thought fills him with despair, but Jared has known all along he has no right to keep this from Jensen. "It's... I have something to tell you, and it's not good." Jensen is still waiting, looking at him trustingly. "That night. It wasn't me."

The words are out of his mouth, off his chest, maybe he should feel better about it. He doesn't. Jensen's mouth forms into a startled 'o' as he processes this.

"That night...I found you after. Someone got in, and." Jared finds he can't go on, can't say any more. 

It's probably a good thing he can't, because Jensen looks devastated. He starts to shake, fine tremors running through his body, and without a word he scoots across the bench and presses himself to Jared.

He holds him close and strokes his hair, whispering things that are maybe meant to be comforting but in reality probably do little to nothing to make it better. "Jensen, oh god, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, I've got you, I've got you, s'okay."

It's not okay. It couldn't be any farther from okay. They stay there for a long time, so long that it starts to get dark and cold. Jensen's a little ball tight against Jared's side, his face hidden in Jared's neck. He thinks he feels wetness, Jensen's tears, soaking through his shirt.

He doesn't know where to go from here, what to do to make this better. "Let's get you back home," he says, gently, and Jensen lets Jared lead him back home.

Jared settles Jensen on the couch, gets blankets and wraps him tight then sits with him, letting Jensen hold onto him as tightly as he needs to. He feels so lost, and at the same time knows that however he feels, it's nothing compared to what Jensen does.

The only thing he can do from here is try and help however Jensen needs him to. Jared will support him however he can, and he hopes that, somehow, he can help Jensen get through this.


End file.
